I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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