Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
