I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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