I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
