Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
