after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
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Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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