i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
