dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
