I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
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Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
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If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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