do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
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i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.