I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.