Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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