I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
