So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
