OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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