I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Randomize
