My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
