Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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