His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
