he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
