I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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