So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
