I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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