Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
