Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
