i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
