Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Drake has all the answers
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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