Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
one two three fourrrrnication!
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
