I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
we're making bets on your personal life
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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