I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
