birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
