If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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