I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
