My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
