Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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