This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
