when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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