woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
there is puke in my bra ... again
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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