he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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