Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
My breasts were aching with rage.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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