I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
