FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
