I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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