I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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