took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
