Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
