If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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