Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i came on her dog
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
