You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
