i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
