Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
