I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Randomize
