i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
