So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I need to calm my uterus...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
