Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
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We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
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I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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